The Drive to be Thanked
Yesterday, I had the chance to learn with my friends at the Riverdale Senior Center, Kinneret Day School’s across the hall neighbors. I came there wanting to get insight from the wiser generation about thank you notes. Why is it that some people, and often older people, get so upset and even insulted when they do not receive a thank you note? I have often seen people get emotional when they do not receive something in the mail, and wanted my new friends to help me understand why.
We bounced around a few possibilities:
1-Educational-”Kids have got to learn to say thank you.” As parents and educators, we all know that we are trying to raise appreciative people. When someone receives, they must thank. It is basic human decency to show appreciation and the thank you note is a clear indicator of this הכרת הטוב hakarat ha tov, recognizing the good.
2-Functional-One of our participants told me that his mother used to call the thank you note the “bread and butter” note. You have to send it in order to get bread and butter next time. In other words, by thanking others, we are lined up next time to have our needs. Those who give will receive positive reinforcement and want to give again.
But after exploring a bit more, we realized that being thanked is an important feeling that goes beyond an educational and functional feeling. There is a basic human need met when receiving the thank you note. It is the need that all of us have, the need to matter.
When we give a gift or do a favor, we are going beyond ourselves and showing that others matter to us. A thank you is an acknowledgment that the giver is valued and treasured by the receiver. When I give an Amazon card to a bar mitzvah boy, among many other things, the thank you note says to me, “That gift showed me that I matter to you. I just wanted you to know, that you matter to me as well.”
Interestingly, I would claim that God wants this as well. The Midrash in Vayikra Rabba 9:7
ויקרא רבה ט:ז tells us that at the end of days, at the times of Mashiach, all of our individual sacrifices will be cancelled. God will no longer need us to offer sacrifices for guilt or for sin, but God will want one sacrifice--the Korban Todah the sacrifice that symbolizes thanks. Additionally, the Midrash goes on to tell us that God also will not need our tefilot. There will be no need to share prayers of praise or of requests-- but there will be a need for one thing--prayers of hoda’ah הודאה prayers of thanks.
In this way, the Midrash echoes the feeling that my learning friends shared with me. Maybe after all is said and done, God just wants to know that we, the receivers, want to be in relationship with God. In a way, in order for the Divine to be complete, God needs us to articulate that we appreciate the gifts we depend on 24/7..
.
When we thank, we show others and we show God that they are part of this web of giving and of needs, that make up the fabric of our being.
So, as we sit to our Thanksgiving tables, let’s certainly exercise our muscles of thanking, but let's remember that our thanks are so powerful for the givers, because it tells those we are thanking, “Thank you for giving to me and showing that I mean so much to you, just know how much you mean to me as well.”
We bounced around a few possibilities:
1-Educational-”Kids have got to learn to say thank you.” As parents and educators, we all know that we are trying to raise appreciative people. When someone receives, they must thank. It is basic human decency to show appreciation and the thank you note is a clear indicator of this הכרת הטוב hakarat ha tov, recognizing the good.
2-Functional-One of our participants told me that his mother used to call the thank you note the “bread and butter” note. You have to send it in order to get bread and butter next time. In other words, by thanking others, we are lined up next time to have our needs. Those who give will receive positive reinforcement and want to give again.
But after exploring a bit more, we realized that being thanked is an important feeling that goes beyond an educational and functional feeling. There is a basic human need met when receiving the thank you note. It is the need that all of us have, the need to matter.
When we give a gift or do a favor, we are going beyond ourselves and showing that others matter to us. A thank you is an acknowledgment that the giver is valued and treasured by the receiver. When I give an Amazon card to a bar mitzvah boy, among many other things, the thank you note says to me, “That gift showed me that I matter to you. I just wanted you to know, that you matter to me as well.”
Interestingly, I would claim that God wants this as well. The Midrash in Vayikra Rabba 9:7
ויקרא רבה ט:ז tells us that at the end of days, at the times of Mashiach, all of our individual sacrifices will be cancelled. God will no longer need us to offer sacrifices for guilt or for sin, but God will want one sacrifice--the Korban Todah the sacrifice that symbolizes thanks. Additionally, the Midrash goes on to tell us that God also will not need our tefilot. There will be no need to share prayers of praise or of requests-- but there will be a need for one thing--prayers of hoda’ah הודאה prayers of thanks.
In this way, the Midrash echoes the feeling that my learning friends shared with me. Maybe after all is said and done, God just wants to know that we, the receivers, want to be in relationship with God. In a way, in order for the Divine to be complete, God needs us to articulate that we appreciate the gifts we depend on 24/7..
.
When we thank, we show others and we show God that they are part of this web of giving and of needs, that make up the fabric of our being.
So, as we sit to our Thanksgiving tables, let’s certainly exercise our muscles of thanking, but let's remember that our thanks are so powerful for the givers, because it tells those we are thanking, “Thank you for giving to me and showing that I mean so much to you, just know how much you mean to me as well.”
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