Thursday, July 20, 2017

The Most Sacred Corner Office: Lessons in Parenting from a Book about Business

The Most Sacred Corner Office: Lessons in Parenting from the Business Shelf

The New York Times “Corner Office” column presents weekly lessons from business leaders on how to lead and succeed. Over the years, this, in addition to leadership books, have helped me in the lifelong quest to become a more reflective and quality leader. 

One of the books I read this summer is called Radical Candor which was recommended to me by one of our teachers.  It is a book that is about improving as a boss and a team builder by combining caring for others and directly challenging them to grow at the same time.  

Interestingly, while reading it with a professional lens, my lens as a parent kept on creeping in.  This is because so many of the lessons about being a good supervisor equally apply to being a good parent.  
-Good supervisors want to guide toward success with care. So do good parents.
-Good supervisors want the constituents to bring out the best in one another. So do good parents. It was in the chapter on guidance where this parallel was most striking. A few lessons:

Situation, behavior impact.  Author Kim Scott says that when giving feedback, the best thing to do is to 1) tell what you saw 2) talk about the behavior and 3) discuss its impact.    As a parent, instead of speaking in generalities in telling our children that they are being unkind or rude, use her three step formula.  For example,  “When we pulled up to the house after the car trip, you didn’t help bring in the suitcases. Now, not only did it take us twice as long to get it done and my back hurts, but it made me feel like a porter at a hotel, not a parent.” The more specific we are in our timeline and the combination of event and impact, the more impact the conversation will have.  (p. 137)  

Guidance has a short shelf-life and unspoken criticism explodes “If you wait to tell somebody..the incident is so far in the past that they can’t fix the problem or build on the success.”  Also, “remaining silent at work for too long about something that angers or frustrates you makes it more likely that you will eventually blow up...”

As a parent, all of us have to pick our battles.  Yet, unless you are going to let the issue at hand slide, deal with it at the moment. We all have short memories, and, even more so for children, this is the case as yesterday can seem like years ago. 

Even when dealing with praise, details are critical. Scott points out that at work, we should give praise, but the praise must be detailed.  “Giving meaningful praise is hard.” Just like criticism, praise must be candid.  As parents, telling our children why their actions were praiseworthy is critical.  For example, “When we were discussing politics at dinner, I know that you knew more than your brother.  Yet, when discussing it, you showed real patience and respect for his input. I admire the way you did that.” When praise is contextualized, personal and specific it has much more staying power.

Sefer Mishlei, the Book of Proverbs teaches us יַסֵּר בִּנְךָ, כִּי-יֵשׁ תִּקְוָה., “guide your children for there is hope.” (19:19)
It is upon us as parents to be the supervisors-- to give mussar to our children, to give them timely, detailed moral instruction and discipline.

Put simply, being a good parent is like leading any team.  While each one of us has responsibilities in our work life that are critical, it is our parenting “corner offices” where our leadership and guidance matter most.  This guidance will hopefully result in the most תִּקְוָה, the most hope of all -hope for a thougtful and well equipped next generation.  

Friday, June 16, 2017

Critical Yeast--A Blessing for the Kinneret Class of 2017

To the class of 2017, if I had to think of one thing that I want to do before you officially graduate, it is to give you a blessing.  Yes, a blessing, not one of a blessed day, or a blessed life but for tonight, I want you to have the blessing of yeast.  Yes, yeast -- the stuff that makes bread rise--I give you the blessing of critical yeast.  
 You see you will be told in life, that in order to truly make an impact, you will need a critical mass--lots of people, big places, big jobs, big bucks--things  on a grand scale.  But waiting for a big stage is a tall order and that may be a wait that can last forever.  
 But theologian and thinker, John Lederbach, points out that to truly make an impact, to make change, we need people to act like yeast.*  Why yeast?
 Yeast has to move and mingle with the dough to have an impact.  It is kneaded and mixed into the mass and has “capacity to generate growth in others.”
Class of 2017, get involved with others, mix and move, impact and be impacted and you will make a difference. 
Yeast needs a warm, inviting, safe environment to make those around it rise. 
Class of 2017, select your surroundings carefully enter into spaces that will nurture your amazing talents and make you become your best selves. 
Yeast is not static or stationary but “constantly moves across a range of different processes and connections” to help the dough. (Lederbach, 91-93)
Class of 2017, keep moving, keep doing, go here, there and everywhere -- wherever and impact the world.
The Midrash**speaks of a King who had two servants, both beloved.  He gave them both two gifts--wheat and linen.  One of the servants took the wheat, grinded it, mixed it and baked it and made bread.  He then took the linen, dyed it, weaved it and made cloth for a table cover.  
The other kept the gifts as they were.  The Midrash asks, which was more precious to the King?  Certainly the one who took the ingredients that were given and added action, and added "yeast" was the one that made the greatest impact.
 The Midrash goes on to tell us that this is what God gave us when God gave the Torah.  God gave the words and the verses, like the wheat and the linen.  It is up to us to use those gifts and raise them higher.  
We need to believe that we can be change agents.  We need to be that critical yeast that can make a difference.
Your loving parents and your talented and dedicated teachers  whom we thank so much have poured their energy and souls into you and have given you the tools.  
Class of 2017 through your intellectual, emotional and spiritual energy and boy do you have energy, you have impacted Kinneret. 
We will miss you.  But now is your time to take your yeast.
and use it.  Use it to create and give--to give to protect and sustain others in High School and beyond
כחטין ‏להוציא מהם סולת וכפשתן  לארוג מהן בגד.

**מדרש אליהו זוטא פרק ב


Friday, May 12, 2017

Good Friends, Coffee, Wine and the Message of the First Line

For my last birthday, I was given the gift of an evening with Jim Gaffigan.  One of the greatest takeaways from the evening when he said that the older he gets, the more he looks at coffee and wine as his good friends.  

Coffee tells him, “Go get ‘em. You can do it!”   Wine figuratively puts it’s arm around him and says, “It will be ok. Better luck next time.”  

With Gaffigan’s lenses, it is no secret why coffee is most associated with morning and wine is more associated with night time.  In the morning, the day is bright. We begin with a clean slate, Optimism reigns. A new day lies ahead.  

The Shacharit tefilah reflects this tone as well. When we say אלקי נשמה - we thank God for giving our soul back to us after we sleep.  We also recite the praise of God who renews each day with goodness and opportunity, בטובו  מחדש בכל יום תמיד.  The siddur tells us to go out to the world and make a difference.  

And at the end of each “new day” we return home and when we do, we need to know, that after the ups and downs of the day that there is a voice of understanding of the complicated nature of life. This is where Maariv comes in. It is the first line, the line that actually comes before the main call to prayer that shows this understanding best. It is taken from Psalms 78:38.  
לח  וְהוּא רַחוּם, יְכַפֵּר עָו‍ֹן--    וְלֹא-יַשְׁחִית:
וְהִרְבָּה, לְהָשִׁיב אַפּוֹ;    וְלֹא-יָעִיר, כָּל-חֲמָתוֹ.
38 But He, being full of compassion, forgives iniquity, and destroys not; 
many a time does God turn God’s anger away, and does not stir up all of God’s wrath.

The Neitv Bina tells us that this line is added to the weekday Maariv because we need to know that we can be forgiven for all of the mistakes we made during the day.  It conveys this feeling in three ways.  

First, R. Hertz points out that the line contains 13 words, the exact number of words of the midot of rachamim, God’s characteristics of mercy.   Second, the content of the line shows that God is a forgiving God and reminds us that in prayer we will find this comfort.  

And finally, the context of this chapter 78 of Tehilim is important. It is a long chapter that tells the story of the Jews and their sins and the nature of God’s forgiveness.  One of the most powerful verses of this chapter is the one that follows which reads: 
לט  וַיִּזְכֹּר, כִּי-בָשָׂר הֵמָּה;    רוּחַ הוֹלֵךְ, וְלֹא יָשׁוּב.
39 So He remembered that they were but flesh, a wind that passes away, and does not come again.

With incredible compassion, God understands that we are imperfect people doing our best to perfect an imperfect world -- an understanding critical to our prayer and self reflection after a long day.  

And we ask God to awaken these attributes as we enter into prayer with another verse from Tehilim (20:10). 
י ה הוֹשִׁיעָה:    הַמֶּלֶךְ, יַעֲנֵנוּ בְיוֹם-קָרְאֵנוּ.
10 Save, God; let the King answer us in the day that we call 

So, while we will sometimes use coffee and wine (but hopefully not too much of it) our Siddur does the important work of being a daily companion.  It allows our souls to connect with important words.  They are words that give us encouragement to meet the world and change it. And they are words that serve as eternal comfort each night as we reflect upon the inevitable triumphs and defeats that life brings.  

Words that are great friends indeed.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Why “Been There, Done That” Has No Place at the Seder*

*I will be sharing an expanded version of this Dvar Torah on the 7th Day of Pesach at the Pearlstone Retreat Center.

It seems that they have it all--smarts, wisdom and understanding.  In Sefer Devarim (1:13), when Moshe can’t do it alone, he is told to take  אֲנָשִׁים חֲכָמִים וּנְבֹנִים, וִידֻעִים, “men of wisdom, understanding and knowledge” to help out.  People with all of that on their side have the goods to make a just society.

Furthermore, when God wanted to appoint artists to design the mishkan, these characteristics were also enough.  We are told that God commanded to take Betsalel, because he was filled with  בְּחָכְמָה וּבִתְבוּנָה וּבְדַעַת wisdom, understanding, and knowledge.” (Exodus 31:3)

These types of people are ones that already know the ways of Hashem, know the purpose of mitzvot, and also know what is going to come in the next pasuk.  (Avudraham). Their attendance at the Seder could possible be a disaster.  I could just see trying to tell these people the story of Pesach.  I could just imagine asking one of them to recite “Avadim Hayinu” and their “been there done that” facial expressions.  Yet, the Haggadah tells us: 

וַאֲפִילוּ כֻּלָּנוּ חֲכָמִים כֻּלָּנוּ נְבוֹנִים כֻּלָּנוּ זְקֵנִים כֻּלָּנוּ יוֹדְעִים אֶת הַתּוֹרָה מִצְוָה עָלֵינוּ לְסַפֵּר בִּיצִיאַת מִצְרָיִם. וְכָל הַמַּרְבֶּה לְסַפֵּר בִּיצִיאַת מִצְרַיִם הֲרֵי זֶה מְשֻׁבָּח.
And even if we were all sages, all discerning, all elders, all knowledgeable about the Torah, it would be a commandment upon us to tell the story of the exodus from Egypt. And anyone who adds [and spends extra time] in telling the story of the exodus from Egypt, behold he is praiseworthy.

While there is often a value on reviewing texts, here it seems that there is much more going on. What is it about the Pesach story, that it is the only one that we are commanded not only to tell, but to describe in great detail, even if we know the Hagaddah and the mitzvot like the back of our hands?  A few possible answers:

First, even with knowledge, kavod doesn’t come easy. The Machzor Vitry (Simhah ben Samuel of Vitry 1105) tells us that when we retell the story, we gain more כבוד המקום , honor for God. Getting toward true honor is a challenge.  Honor is not achieved solely by learning, it is achieved through humility, through understanding the limits of human capacity and our place in the world.  Recounting the story of Egypt and the describing of God’s powers leads to humility, to the understanding of our limitations and God’s limitlessness.  Even the brightest and most knowledgable need to find more ways to give honor and learn about God’s power.  

Second, even with understanding, compassion and empathy are not guaranteed.   Wisdom and knowledge often dwell too much in the head.  Even if one knows all the verses and laws, when one reads the story and tells it, they must do so not as an intellectual exercise, but it must be done with the goal of truly internalizing the cries of the slaves.  Seeing oneself as one left mitzrayim, or even as one who crossed the sea, cannot be done with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge alone.  It is only achieved when one works to go beyond the texts and to listen to stories of oppression and suffering. Allowing oneself to  go beyond the head and straight into the heart is critical for compassion and empathy.  

Finally, Rabbi Sacks tells us that we still tell the story because “each year adds its own insights and interpretations…..and since the present always changes, there is always a new...facet of the story.”    Each year, even if we know the facts,  our life facts change. Our personal experiences have changed.  Even if we are not different people intellectually, we are different people in heart and spirit than we were last year.  At Pesach, we must ask ourselves how we are different and what that newness brings to the our relationship to the Pesach narrative.  

This year, as we sit down, books in hand, at our seder tables, let’s bring not just our heads, but our hearts and souls.  In this way, we will be able not only to fulfill the commandment of סיפור יציאת מצרים telling the story, but we will be more humble, more compassionate and truly better, more מְשֻׁבָּח praiseworthy versions of ourselves.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Shabbat Zachor 2017-Doubt that Freezes and Doubt that Frees

This year, sadly, there is no shortage of thoughts that come to mind when I think of Shabbat Zachor, the Shabbat where we remember our enemy, Amalek.  In a world of increasing hate crimes and finger pointing, the importance of calling out evil is very much alive..  

Yet, for some reason, it is a gematria related to the word Amalek that has me thinking most.  The numerical of the word עמלק which is 240, is the same numerical value as the word ספק, the word for doubt.  It is doubt that we must obliterate this Shabbat.  

R. Steinsaltz, writes in his book   Change and Renewal, that just like the physical enemy of Amalek that threatened the existence of our people, doubt threatens us individually in a different way.  “Amalek seeks to encourage and perpetuate doubt and thus attempts to halt any effort to deal with doubt and resolve it.”  In this way, the evil is the existence of “permanent skepticism.” (pp. 200-201)   Getting rid of doubt and putting it aside is critical to our productivity.

When the Metzudat David commentary on Mishle, said  that there is no joy in the world better than clarifying and eradicating doubt,   אין בעולם שמחה כהתרת הספקות , he was commenting on the verse from Proverbs 15:30 that discusses the importance of clarity of מאור עינים. 

Certainly doubt prevents our ability to move forward.   If I constantly doubt my religious conclusions, my political commitments or my personal life decisions, I may never move ahead and achieve clarity and joy.  Living with constant doubt can shackle and paralyze us. 

Yet, there is something about casting doubt off to the side that does not sit right.  It seems that we need doubt and that it is a natural and critical element to a life of growth and contemplation.  Rabbi Norman Lamm agrees.  In his famous article entitled, “Faith and Doubt,” he points out the need for doubt in our religious lives.  “Faith and doubt are not in essential contradiction to each other… The truth which cognitive faith affirms is not given to us for the process of mere assent; it is the prize for which we must engage in a fierce intellectual struggle.  Doubt, so conceived, becomes not an impediment, but a goad to reinvestigate and deepen faith.  Out of the agony of a faith which must constantly wrestle with doubt may emerge a faith of far greater vision, scope and attainment.” (Rabbi Norman Lamm, Faith and Doubt, p.16)  

Religious faith becomes stronger, when doubt lives.  I would also argue that in this political climate, it is important, even as we stand strong, that we let doubt enter our consciousness.  We should listen to points of view other than our own, as they can help us to reexamine our assumptions and emerge stronger, more nuanced, more empathic and more clear.  Sometimes living with doubt can sharpen us and enhance the quality of our action.  

This weekend, as we prepare for Purim, let us all work to eradicate the doubt that leads to destruction, doubt that makes our souls and minds freeze.

But, at the same time, let’s remember, that in just four weeks, we will sit around the Seder table, asking questions, planting seeds of constructive doubt, doubt that pushes to clarify,embracing not a doubt that freezes us, but a doubt that actually frees us.  

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Approaching the Bar and Moving it as We Go

It was the season of the High Holidays a few years ago.  After many days of reciting slichot, the special prayers for forgiveness, someone turned to me and paraphrased the famous line from “Love Story” and asked, “I know love is not never having to say I’m sorry, but do I always have to say I’m sorry?”  

The truth is that, even months and months after the High Holidays, we Jews are in a perpetual state of asking for forgiveness and working toward repentance.  Three times daily, we praise God for being open to our change by reciting the bracha of הרוצה בתשובה  and three times daily, we ask for forgiveness when we say סלח לנו .  

How is it that 6 times a day, we cannot get it right?  How can it be that behaving the way we should is so elusive that we have to mention it so often throughout the day?  

The first and most common answer is that no matter how hard we try, we will never hit the standard we want and that God wants from us.  This approach is grounded in the assumption that we, at our core as humans, are fallible and imperfect creatures.  No matter how hard we try, we will never be as compassionate as we want to be, we will never be as generous as we want to be and we will never be as loving as we want to be.  Because of how we are wired,  we do not have the capacity to always reach the bar that we set for ourselves.  Our prayers remind us of how far we need to go to reach our best selves. This is a model of self improvement that has us constantly working toward moving our character forward closer to the set bar.

Yet, Chovot HaLevavot shows us that there is another way to look at the issue of teshuva.  Rabbeinu Bahya ben Joseph ibn Pakuda, who wrote the book almost 1000 years ago, explains that there are מצוות השכל, commandments for intellectual growth.  He says that there is no limit to this acquisition of knowledge.  Because of the dynamic of these mitzvot, people would fill their entire days with teshuva.  It was not a desire for teshuva that arose from their hearts, it rather arose from their heads because it was through study, every day they would learn more about God and about their requirements in their lives.  Due to the strong capacity of the intellect, every day they would realize how much more needed to be done to live a life of holiness.   This is a different model of self improvement, it is not about us taking our fallible selves and trying to move our actions closer to a bar, it is about tapping in to our intellectual gifts to learn more about just how high the bar should be. When we do that, we actually are moving the standard higher and higher that we set for ourselves.  When we see that new standard, the rules change of how far we need to go to hit our goals.

This may be why our tradition puts a teshuva and self improvement bug in our ears all day long.  It is because we constantly need to work to be our best and also constantly redefine what the best can be.

A worthy chase indeed.  

Friday, January 13, 2017

Making our Private School Bubbles Broader Public Squares

I have often heard from teachers, students and parents that Jewish Day School is a “bubble.”  On the one hand, this term is used affectionately in that the bubble is a safe, warm space, with shared values and a shared outlook--a space where we gain strength as a school community.  

But the bubble is also seen by many as dangerous.  It can be a place that perpetuates insularity and can lead to narrow and skewed views.  So much so that students often talk about becoming free and leaving the bubble.

And certainly we need to move beyond our bubbles, or, as some have called them, our silos.  We need to understand that “it’s important to resist the temptation to surround ourselves almost exclusively with like-minded people, those who reinforce our pre-existing views and biases.”(Commentary, “Living in Ideological Silos”)  

The place where we need to go is into more public spaces.  Places where, as Parker Palmer points out, “our relations with each other have a chance to become more pleasant, more strong and more durable.” 

Sadly, in this ever growing world of digital commerce and conversation, we are spending less and less time in the public sphere. And, according to Palmer, the school and the classroom are fertile grounds where this dynamic of public discourse can take place.  It is in school where, “every subject, rightly understood, has the potential to shed light on the question of ….How can I connect with something larger than my own ego?”  True educational inquiry forces us to think beyond our private bubbles.  

Even our private Day School bubbles, if looked at differently, can also become sacred places for us to think beyond ourselves and our opinions.  

Most typically, Jewish Day Schools channel this energy through interscholastic partnerships and programs.  Whether they promote religious, racial, socioeconomic or any other type of conversation, incredibly powerful programs that leave the grounds of the school help broaden the lens of students and faculty alike. They allow cross pollination and provide different, unusual stories. They create a public space that is a “great good place that is vital to democracy.”  

But we should not feel that engaging outside of our bubbles is the only place where we can expand our lenses.  If we dig deeper, there is much work to be done even within our own walls.  Our silo is not as insular as we may think.  So often, we make false assumptions and believe that every Day School parent and child, while having some differences are really not that different.  We do not think of our our schoolmates as “diverse.”  Yet, there is so much diversity work to be done even within the bubble of the Day School.

To expose this diversity in our own halls, schools must spend time creating safe spaces to hear the stories that have brought people to their particular school communities.  When we take a moment to hear these stories, we realize that we can expand horizons in our own backyard.    

In 2017, when we feel that some part of our outlook is challenged or if an attitude does not sync with ours, we can close our minds like never before.  We can unfriend, tune out and never see others and simply not engage.  We can put others in far off categories whose opinions mean nothing to us. When we do that, according to Palmer, we have “killed them off” and committed the what he calls the spiritual equivalent of murder by rendering them utterly irrelevant in our lives.`

As parents, teachers and students, we need to find more ways to make every voice relevant.  Even the private, Jewish, Day School bubble is a space to listen, grow and empathize--beyond the walls and within them, now as much as ever.